Life Is Not Fair

LOL. Charm is not wall-eyed, although it looks like it here for sure! She is always afraid that someone else will get something she won't, so she literally has one eye kind of on me and the other on Lucky dog, making sure Lucky dog doesn't close in.

SIGH.

SIGH.

65 degrees and mostly cloudy. actually, out of my big front window-which sits up in the trees above the street, rather tree house-esque, I can see just some whispery peach colored streamers of clouds barely hanging on as the sky back lights them with a setting down soon to be dark blue. so pretty. and tonight i am quite thoughtful after a day of banging my head against the wall trying to find something wonderful to do. the law case to get some help for my broken nose injury is staaaaallled once again. no word on the one possible job i interviewed for. feeling rather marginal in the theatre productions starting to fire up around me--after all HO HUM!!!--they are JUST costumes!! and WOW!! what was life like way, way back in the day when people had only firelight to sit by and bedtime was sundown and what must life be like in other countries-surely just as different as mine is to them as ours is to everybody elses, right? when i first saw this picture in today's paper, i thought the girls looked so loved and cozy and snuggled up and then i read that they are "bodies of Afghan women" and GEEZ LOUISE--bodies. and all this picture makes me think about is how HOW MUCH I WISH i was meaningfully connected to the world around me--how much I WISH I HAD A LIFE--one involved, deeply and meaningfully involved with people, and somehow, in some meaningful and wonderful way, my life would make a difference, a good and tangible difference to people of need. hey, you know what is on the top of my before i die list? THAT IS ON THE TOP of my list--to be that person living that life--that life that makes a REAL difference. perhaps, i am thinking to myself, perhaps that is exactly why i have NEVER wished for my own house, or perhaps that is EXACTLY why i don't care to mass manufacture anything that the world already has a brazillion of--I WANT MORE. No, no,no--do NOT for a moment think that I THINK that i have the better or right way to live. Oh good gawd. I would not wish the inside of my head on ANYONE--but somehow I JUST KNOW that my life is for a purpose. damned if i can figure it out. but somehow i HAVE TO KNOW AND FEEL AND BELIEVE that i have helped the world in some small way, in some meaningful small way. some real way. SIGH. that was a sigh scream. if i cannot figure this out pretty damn soon i am going to throw all of my little dogs in our car and drive to _____ and teach school in an inner city, or drive to  ______ and open a wee bakery bookstore therapy art clinic center--small and tiny with a sewing machine, or i am going to drive all across the country and write and photograph and talk with people and help where i can. my gypsy blood is strong tonight. my restless spirit is going to win out. and how oh how, dear people, do we help the great injustices of this world repair themselves? how can women and girls gathering firewood be shot? if we sat here together, and amassed all of the sadnesses on this planet happening JUST TODAY AND TONIGHT--we would end up speechless with grief. The quote in the paper today was this: "Life is not fair. Get used to it." --Bill Gates, but i am sorry Mr. Bill Gates--I will never get used to it. and love always.