See the little glass animals?
Those of you who suffer through my wordy blog posts on a regular basis-and I don't know how you do it-know that for the past decade of my life when, in one FELL SWOOP, WAIT!!! aside here!!!!! do you ever seriously listen to our delightful expressions? fell swoop! that is a really good one don't you agree? anyway, in one fell swoop EVERYTHING changed, my kids all grew up and left home, the bungalows next to me which had been a perfect bohemian community were emptied of my neighbors and torn down and dumpstered away AND i quit teaching. Wow. When i write it all out i think to myself NO WONDER!!! and so those moments in time were enough to send me, quite rudderless truth be told, out into the world without my own private idaho. yeah. no port in the storm. no safe harbor. nothing but those long grey meaningless mornings when the fog outside my window and the fog inside my brain drifts in perfect disharmony. and don't get all advisory on me! i tried it all-happy faces, dating sites, sitting in bars by myself, calling friends, trying to make friends, trying to keep friends, long drives, longer talks, never ending walks. i tried working non-stop. i tried to find happiness in not working. i made over 400 knitted washcloths and gave them away. i made 200 and counting stuffed catnip mice. i baked and gave away-sit down if you aren't already-almost 500 vegan cupcakes.
Remember this one?
I don't tell you these things because i think that i am amazing or because i want you to think i am amazing. far from it. i have a difficult, almost impossible, time even appreciating the fact that i have done these things! and why you ask? oh i am so glad SO GLAD that you are still with me on this . . . . . . . because, and here is the truth, because i do not believe that these things i have so neurotically and feverishly and done never quite successfully enough- are the right things!
two examples: on my way to burningman i was cruising along listening to a traveling cd recorded for me by my beloved son and feeling so lucky and so blessed and so free and so about to save the world etc etc etc-and on some hellish two lane highway i saw the stockyard, slaughterhouse, killing field of my nightmares! i pulled off the road. switched off my happy tunes. got out. hung on the fence calamity jane style and just thought OH MY GOD. and yeah i know i am biased and i know i am passionate and i know i am dramatic but i could smell and feel and see the fear, the blood, and the death. i climbed back in my car and drove out to the world changing desert festival where i knew, without any doubt whatsoever, that NOTHING i was going to do in the next few days would have ANY effect on something i truly believed, and believe at this moment, has to change.
next: today i loaded up some Lucky Cakes and went to a small market that was NOTHING like i expected it would be from learning about it on its delightful website. the asphalt was hot. the sun hotter. the buyers were absolutely non-existent. i had gotten up at 5:30-good baker that i am-and baked fresh pear, french fruit cakes, and ginger carrot and went to sell my vegan cupcakes next to a booth where a man was selling-and i am NOT making this up-BBQ hooks made out of golf clubs! because, in his words, "i can get anything on one of these hooks for the BBQ!!" after i realized that i would not even make my selling fee, i simply talked with people as to what vegan means, listened to their life stories, and marveled at their knitted booties, potholders, and crocheted scarves. my cupcakes were pretty damn trivial compared to the human experience that was all around me. people told me about their dreams and hopes and how they wish they had somewhere to sell what they can't stop making. they wished for connection and validation and a sense of worth. they told me about beating cancer, the deaths of husbands and relatives, and rescuing cats and dogs. one woman offered a corner of her canopy shade for me and by the time we were packing up, the sellers all came over and bought cupcakes to take home. "veggen" one woman said, never thought i would eat a "veggen" cupcake.
little person i know and love.
As i was driving home, i felt sad of course that i had spent my food money to bake cupcakes that were far from world changing, and hot and sun baked and tired from my early waking up hour like i told you, but mostly i felt that old familiar tiredness of DAMN!! why oh why oh why do we exist with this wretched combination of having the world's hurts and lacks and inequalities and gross injustices, cruelties, ugliness and unfairness of ALL SORTS known to us and AT THE SAME TIME we cannot seem to figure out HOW TO HELP?!! i have talked to enough people and sat with myself, BY MYSELF, for enough time now to know that the paradox of knowing the grief and wanting to help, but not having A CLUE as to how to help or what that help would look like (OH! except for SEND MONEY!!!) . . . that! that right there-perhaps not for everyone, but certainly to me and others i have listened to-that is the killer and tremendous thief of our vital energy. the younger people i know seem to be engaged and tech savvy and ruling the universe and connected and excited about what they do-is it age? is it where we all are in this place and time? my inbox has an interesting title that i know will answer all my questions: "Can we prevent the end of the world?" and i am not even really sure i know what that means, but i know there has GOT to be a way to live connected and helpful and needed and vital until we die!!! my dearest friend of all time says that my tombstone will say "not for lack of trying" and i love her for that. i am going to change it to a shingle tied onto my funeral pyre, but until i get shipped to india or africa to feed starving babies, set off with a sleeper toyota and my wee doggies in the back to stitch rips and tears for the needy across our vast wasteland, blasted to some far distant planet to establish a new colony, elected to bake and cook in community kitchens far and wide, or named as head of a vast animal sanctuary i will not give up my quest.
it doesn't get much better than this.
So come on Lise, tell the patient and kind people that have sat through this incredibly long whine, did you find happiness at the bottom of that bourbon bottle? Well, no dear people, not exactly-but i will tell you this . . . it is hot still. my brain is tired. my heart is heavy with the life stories i heard today from people i never imagined i would ever even meet. my freezer is full of cupcakes. my dogs are snoring all around me. happy sounds are coming from the belly dancing restaurant on the corner. beyond a new season at the theatre i do not have clue one what my future holds. i still don't know how to end the madness. if i die tonight, i am not sure what i would be remembered for. or if it matters. but my crystal glass, with very cold lemonade and just the slightest bit of the best bourbon has allowed me to push the worry aside, send it to some far distant corner actually, and connect with the human factor that has asked the same questions, and wondered the same concerns, and felt the same heart tug of desire for as long as there have been BBQ hooks and veggen cupcakes. believe it or not? i love you for listening and THANK YOU. love always!
