Dearest readers, My readers count is close to 4,000. See how I did not cap for emphasis? Am I maturing as a writer? Growing up? Oh good gawd. I sure as hell hope not. I hope I am remaining myself, because quite frankly? At this stage of my game, it might be pretty much all I've got. I want to THANK YOU for reading my rants and ideas and wonderings and making my online cyber life a fantastic and rewarding one with your comments and support. The reason I did not capitalize FOUR THOUSAND-oops sorry-is because there are many, many, many of us writing the exact same things over and over and standing on our metaphorical soap boxes and shouting or standing at our attic windows and flying down paper airplane messages but NO MATTER, and this is why . . . during that downest time of all, nearly two years ago by now, I could not see POSSIBILITY. Even thoughts of the unexpected brought me merely feelings of despair, impending disaster, and doom. My late, LATE night cyber wanderings filled me in on so many people with shared experiences, similar griefs and sorrows, and a myriad of ways of coping-spending money, making money, saving money, wheatgrass, mud packs, college classes, finding a partner, divorcing, going vegetarian, paleo, vegan, donating time, money, research, traveling everywhere, expanding inner and outer horizons, buying new clothes, a new car, a new home, starting a garden, rescuing sea life, animals everywhere, tutoring children, sitting with the dying, comforting the lonely OH GOOD GAWD the world is a vast and complicated place for sure-but WHEN I WAS SO LOW-none of this looked good or desirable or meaningful or possible. But gradually, and with much, MUCH unconditional love and support from my three who are everything, I started to embrace love and beauty as the twin breathing in and out of my life, saddled up with my stubborn curiosity which refuses to die down, and hit the open road of gratitude and compassion for just one more day just one more day. Circling the entire messiness of my living, and yeah I know, it all always does come back to me, it was my brilliant grey-eyed daughter who sent me the song of all who have come before me to get me here, whether I am close to them or not, and my light filled son who chooses consciously to notice what matters essentially and sidelines the useless rest of it, and my youngest who knows compassion from the bare bones out and back again and what we have found and what we make is what we have and now I know this to be true. This almost late great month of August was one of sorting out TONS of refuse from the next door theatre and my home of 17 years. Journals and journals, pages and pages of writing from my students and myself to EVERYONE on the planet-my gawd I can talk!-and it is a damn good thing I live alone because I could cry through it all, laugh at a lot of it, talk to my lil dogs about blatant stupidity (mine), careless living (mine again I am afraid), and poor decisions (not mine alone, but plenty were mine!), bake midnight cupcakes, watch amazingly bad online TV, go for 2 a.m. vampire dog walks, and toss and toss and toss. When I say that I got this house museum down to one room of possessions? Know that there was a complete rebuilding and restructuring of life on my planet of me. I let a whole HELL OF A LOT go. Donated. Dumpstered. Gone. So much willful blindness! So much energy expended ranting and raving, caring so much about so many things that just did NOT matter in any conceivable way, so much caring about other's opinions of myself-my looks, my tattoos, my clothes, my house, my art, my stitching, etc etc etc, my entire dog hair filled life and SO MUCH apologizing and guilt from yours truly!!!! What did I think would happen if I kissed enough ass? Truly, where did I think all of my shape shifting to please everyone would get me? WHAT would it get me? Willful blindness. I chose my focus. I made some incredibly poor decisions and even though HINDSIGHT IS A POWERFUL THING and I felt energized and excited LIKE I HAVE NOT IN A DECADE, as to all of the sorting and revisiting I was doing-truth be told, at that darkest hour right around 3 a.m. I felt a bit in the shadows. Don't we honestly do the best we can at any given moment? I must believe that we do, that I do, that I have tried my very best. And so last night, MONSOON weather which causes all of us here in the desert to dream of sheets of pouring rain, buckets of clear, cool water, and pools with infinite depth-I went for one of those death defying vampire dog walks like I was explaining and as I rounded the corner nearest me in my downtown outpost bastion of me-ness VOILA!!!! THE UNEXPECTED in the form of our very own tunnel of LOVE AND BEAUTY. Lit by strands of tiny fairy lights this pedestrian walk way tunnel stood out in the warm sea of last night's sleepless air and HONESTLY my lil doggies and I sat and had a champagne cupcake picnic RIGHT THERE in the unexpected tunnel of art, love, and beauty in the middle of the wee hours when sleep was unnecessary and the muses and spirits timeless were sitting with us in solidarity. And for that I THANK everyone who loves me and wishes me well. August was hard, August was damn difficult and challenging and emotionally and physically taxing to this OH MY GAWD don't make me tell you how old I am once again!!! woman-but what an August! Looking back was humbling, looking forward is breathless excitement, and sitting here with you, here, right now, makes everything possible. We have sadness overseas to sort out, millions of animals to save, our own tiny precious everything lives to create and enjoy and if we keep each other good company? I believe like the man said, I believe. LIVE FOR LOVE!!!
