dearest ones, today i must share with you the most beautiful post i have had the honor to write in quite some time. yes, as you can well imagine, i tire of all of my CONSTANT AND CONTINUAL rending of my heart and queries as to direction and gut-wrenching pleas for attention and importance and worth and that vast array of middle-aged, human being ANGST just as i am pretty sure you despair of ever having to listen to all of it ever again (your thoughts for sure: OMG!!!! when WILL she ever figure it all out and GET ON WITH IT????) and yesterday i was privileged to spend time with the one and only person on the planet who can shut all of this nonsense down, ground me in live reality, and bring compassion and tenderness to my life. she is a brilliant echo of her parents-master cellist and artist visionary-and an influenced combination of the many teachers, musicians, children, and other spirits who have bumped up against her fabulous self and walked some miles down her just beginning road. not to mention the greatest pair of uncles EVER. here is how i know that life is worth living . . . so we are chattering CHATTERING back and forth like two of the most happy canaries and WOW that is what i miss SO MUCH about my children being grown and gone and off and busy-that captive audience of tolerance and acceptance and LOVE. she LOVES to be with me, listen to me, and spend time with me. that is heady stuff. in my sealed off just keep working like an idiot to keep busy so that you are never sad and keep working so that you have rent money and feel like when you finally get tossed on the funeral pyre you can at least burn easily knowing that you worked constantly and like a madwoman to . . . . .ahhhh? PAY RENT? FIND MEANING? GOOD GAWD THAT IS DEPRESSING--oh i digress, bear with me, it will be worth it, i promise--and i had started to BREATHE DEEPLY once again and remember love and companionship and this is the greatest gift of all . . . explaining a sinus headache of a year and a half proportion, i was telling her about an appointment that was cancelled and not told to me-the person who had waited THREE MONTHS to be seen, and when i got to the office (breath held, biggest smile in weeks) and was told that it was cancelled? i cried SO HARD, it was as though sancho had just died in my arms again. i cried about my poor broken nose, my poor dead dog, my children living elsewhere, the silence of my house, the feeling of absolute futility of anything and everything, i lost it completely. when i told her this story here is what she said, without missing a beat which would have entailed: "oh my gawd this woman is crazy! why can't she get her life together? if only she had done the RIGHT THINGS, she would not be in this place today!!!" she said, "oh GRANLISE!! did they say sorry? did they make you feel better? did they hug you and make everything all right? was anyone there to make you feel better?" did they make your crying go away?" COMPASSION and TENDERNESS. my gdaughter lives and breathes compassion and tenderness. lucky for me, the people in the office were the kindest, and you can bet i fired off a letter of thanks to them immediately. and yet another moment of pure gdaughter brilliance-and please remember dearest readers-SHE IS EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!--driving to goleta we were chattering about the long walk we had taken earlier and how many cars are always driving everywhere and as we sat in a traffic jam she said: "oh granlise!!! so many cars and so much pollution! why are we doing this to ourselves? how can we do this to our earth? it is bad for it!" and right there again i was reminded of why i was EVER a decent mother or good teacher-even for a hot minute-i was good at both of those most loved parts of my life BECAUSE i learned AS MUCH IF NOT MORE from my children and students as i ever taught them. at eight my beloved gdaughter knows COMPASSION and RESPONSIBILITY and there just is nothing better. yesterday began a true and real walk on the open road for me. yes, i truly believed back on august 1st when i bravely called out to only my dogs and the remnants of silverfish and spiders: "THAT'S IT!!! i am done paying this $$$$ to a wealthy landlord FOREVER!!!" hahahahaha such foolishness of confederacy of dunces status--what exacately did i think would happen? (and i meant to spell exactly alice style) my OPEN ROAD is taking the form-for the next hard studied week-of well worn path logistics. i am going to google through every worm hole possible. i am going to cyber dream like the best of them. i am going to sit in my COMPLETELY gutted and FINALLY decluttered little gem of an art project house and plan FUTURE GAMES. i am going to take my soul for a walk through this well-known city of closed doors and men who cross to the other side of the street when i walk past and not notice the vacuous vacant faces and storefronts and each to his own hi-tech isolation and dearth of activity and promise, potential and excitement. i am going to live this next week with an ear tuned to COMPASSION, a calendar plastered with JOYFUL RESPONSIBILITY, and YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE. cupcakes? coffee? stitching? writing? want it done for you? want to do it with me? time slowed down for me yesterday because of the grey-blue galaxies shining through the eyes of my darling gdaughter and i have been begging the cosmos for that for a few years now. time slowed down to the HERE AND NOW and because i remember that BE HERE NOW sensation in my very flesh and bones-i am dedicating this week to living there as much as humanly and humanely possible. in GRATITUDE . . . THANKS to you my beloved readers-email me. blog me. send me your thoughts and ideas and comforts and wishes and needs and if this crab dares to venture out of her crabshell for a few moments-writer's style-we can walk our souls along the open road for a lil bit together. LOVE ALWAYS!
