Bootstraps and Babies

Walking behind a young man as he swung his little brother up for a ride reminds me of when I was happy. Yeah. Raising my kids was the greatest thing I ever did with my life.

68 degrees here in our little ocean side town and APOLOGIES for not being my usual somewhat chipper jabberwocky self. I had to get ONLINE to connect with people ANYWHERE but Santa Barbara who understand what it is to be 59, burdened down completely with unrepayable student loan debt and back taxes, without secure future full-time income, and scrapping the bottom of the dime barrel. Coming home from yet another confusing and NOT fulfilling day and finding the latest government denial of reduction of my 25 year old student loan debt just killed me a little. Don't worry. This is definitely NOT a plea for assistance in ANY form whatsoever and as my wonderful son oh so sweetly assures me: "Mom, we got through this before. We'll be OK. What is the worst that can happen?" and I KNOW he is correct, but one thing for sure--the looks on the faces of people in our community who truly believe that IF A PERSON LIVES A CERTAIN LIFE than everything will work out perfectly, are looks I hope to never, ever see again. Sad to think that our WORTH as fellow passengers on this mysterious ship of life is based SOLELY on our income, possessions, and title. Do NOT for a moment hit me with magical thinking, guilt-trip me with "if you had only" or "if you had not", or try to reason out my situation with any dogma, religion, or cosmic reincarnation scenario. I have been to all of those places and I have done all of those things ad nauseum! If I sound sad and bitter, I am. So, so much of my life has been an almost DAILY justification as to why I was not "as good" as EVERYONE around me. Now as headlines bombard us day after day after day with the TOTAL INSANITY of the way we have set up life in our country and on our planet (just look at the slide show of people starving in Spain), I KNOW that my beliefs-to hold and feed the children, to read to them and teach them well, to comfort and care for our elders, to listen to them and cherish them, to befriend all of our fellow creatures and protect them and value our interactions with all life forms, to protect the beauty of our world and keep it safe and secure for future life-I KNOW that I am not the bad or crazy or cruel or lazy or selfish person. When I read about tiny children starving to death, a blind man being denied student loan forgiveness, elderly patients dying for lack of medical needs . . . awww come on. We can do better. We must do better. It goes like this-if I could get a job teaching in a "challenged" area, part or all of my student loan debt might be forgiven ONLY after A DECADE of repayments ON TIME. If I pay my few thousand in back taxes, I could go along scrapping out my barely making ends meet existence until what? I die of old age? One of my kids makes enough money to RESCUE me? The bitch of ALL of this is that I am almost SIXTY YEARS OLD!!! When I sat next to those smelly old men in Labor Ready TWO YEARS ago I said that I HAD TO DO BETTER! Today? The end of my income. The end of September. Rent. And I am cleaned out. Some income in October so that I can build up for November rent. And so it goes. I have made peace with poverty. I can live without ANYTHING non-essential, but DAMN IT!!! Federal Government who TACKS ON HUGE interest and penalties  STTTTTTOOOOOPPPPP!!!! I am losing my mind. But here is what makes me feel the absolute WORSE--the absolute worse--people who judge me, shun me, make fun of me, belittle me, and help me to feel worthless BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY and I don't. Yeah. That is the worse. So as I lose friends and connections because I quit teaching and my kids grew up and I couldn't find a decent job and my personality is abrasive or whatever and I am desperately seeking a stable life IN ANY FORM--fine. Anyone who thinks that they are getting out alive is truly thinking the magic. And can we stop with the "pulling up on your bootstraps" nonsense? I have worked as hard as anyone I know to make enough money to survive in this town. Love always.