Thursday, July 4, 2013

To Dream the Impossible

i will always love you.
Why not i am constantly asking the universe? why not? on my good days i don't need anyone to pat my head and say "good dog", i just step out into the great big fabulous video game of life and hit play. it's all good, the struggle, the dreaming, the work or lack thereof, money disappears or falls from my piggy bank, my exchanges with sidewalk strollers, clerks behind counters, and casual conversations, the sky is an exacting blue, the fog burns through at just the right moment, and i am confident in my life lived as well as imagined, as well as felt, and as well as dreamed. on my days of despair, all drama intended, i cannot seem to match up the ever increasing speed of things with my feelings of inadequacy and ahhh my gawd i have waited a lifetime probably to use this word . . . impotence. yeah. for real. a beautiful and smart young woman paid me the honor of coffee and a wee peek into her life and FOR ONCE i got to partially set aside my woman of a certain age miseries involving invisibility (and i do not mean the fabulous super hero kind) and painful aging which no one NOBODY ever warned me about and listen to her.  as i sat there, listening really really hard, i was distracted by her oh so young passion, compassion, vision, intelligence, honesty, and ok-i am going to have a girl moment don't hate me please-golden green eyes and she talked about THE DREAM and surviving and choosing a path and direction and oh WOW, she reminded me so very, very much of my own personal beloved daughter muse and her equally impassioned every move and breath-ok and her impossible shadow grey eyes-and similar, no in fact EXACT conversations and i thought GOOD GAWD!!! why is life so damned difficult? why as artists, creatives, women of a certain age, human beings in general i guess i will say, why oh why oh why the constant and continual traffic noise of what is worth doing and what gives our art importance and is validation necessary or merely desired, and good gawd again i sure as hell hope we get some or all of this sorted out before we are DEAD!!! i have a feeling that as inadequate and impotent as i might feel right now, i will feel a whole hell of a lot more useless as a pile of ash. or perhaps not? instead of believing that i am not a decent writer because i haven't been published, perhaps i will drift across moon lit prairies and tangle it up with a tumbleweed.  perhaps instead of hating myself because all the nickels and dimes in my piggy bank and shoe box refuse to add up to the cost of opening a community coffee shop/art and sewing studio/ bakery/ writer's den i will sprinkle myself over the surface of a fir trimmed lake high in the mountains.  instead of despairing over a back room with art dresses unbought and zero sales anywhere on planet earth i will sift myself down into dark soil and help bring forth great flowery beauty. ahhh . . . validation. direction. i believe we need to find each other.  i believe we need to stay hidden in our caves. i believe we need to step away from the cyber world. i believe we need to dedicate hours everyday to our many and growing online relationships. how to build a brave new world? at almost 60? i envied my coffee drinking companion her youth and drive. i loved the inspiration she sparked within me. now the work begins i think. sitting here, my legs aching me into a sleepless night, i want to become that fly away ash and leave through my front window, right past the portrait of grandpa and sit down with the stars for a bit, listen to the hum and spin of planets, and take in the dark blackness, breathe in the frozen coldness and look back at our beautiful jewel of a planet. before i time trip slaughterhouse five style, i will take a last look at one of the greatest pictures i have ever received. this dress was patched together by me when i had almost no money, working with tiny scraps given to me by a dear friend. i worked slowly and carefully and thoughtfully. i tried to sell it. nothing. i tried to give it away. no one wanted it. ashamed of my lack of validation as an artist, i tried one last time to find an owner and finally gave it to one of my best BEST students with the disclaimer that she could give it away or thrift store it if she didn't like it and LOOK!! she told me it is her favorite dress and that she wears it almost all the time. with a full heart and a rekindled desire to remain my very best me, i am pushing off and dreaming the impossible until sleep returns me to my bed. with dogs. LOVE ALWAYS and i do so love you er!! and i thank you for validating the work that comes through my hands. with all my heart.

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